It’s been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it’s been awhile
Since I’ve gone and
Fucked things up
It’s actually been more than awhile since I have felt compelled to write, which is a sign of how well things had been going. My daughter has been home for three months and things were going well. She was back in school, she was reengaged with family and she was stable. There were moments, there were issues and we were managing them…until we weren’t. Perhaps a more accurate description would be that we were managing and my daughter wasn’t.
There was one questionable injury, then another self harm that she refused to acknowledge or admit and she eventually ended up with eight stitches on the top of her foot because of something she stepped on. She was never able to explain how she stepped on something with the top of her foot, but her response is always to deny, deflect and direct the blame elsewhere. Who knew that she spent so much time watching CNN; following and emulating Donald Trump!
She stopped taking her medication, stopped sleeping and stopped eating properly, but refused to admit it. She met a new friend online, someone that she is obsessed with as a friend or possibly a girlfriend as she struggles to find her identity. My daughter is vulnerable and would be an easy mark for a predator but after meeting her new friend and hearing portions of their conversations we are confident that she is another social misfit searching for a friend. Harmless in many ways other than the fact that the two of them are feeding off of each other’s insecurity.
She is getting far too familiar with the police in our area after several late night “walks” where she in inappropriately dressed, ends up injured and bleeding with my wife and I wondering what the hell happened. There have been no fights, no blow ups and it seems that no matter how hard we try to validate and support her, to put our relationship with her ahead of everything else we keep taking giant steps backwards.
My daughter doesn’t want help, she is refusing it and some of her behaviour is controlled and manipulative. Mental health is a factor, but the power that the system has given her has gone to her head and she is a raving narcissist with a lawyer to back her up. I am worried about my wife. She is an incredibly strong woman, but I think that she is getting close to her breaking point…be it breaking down, or completely losing it on our daughter and then not being able to forgive herself for the fallout.
I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Tough love, self-harm, relationship first, validation, boundaries, a suicide attempt, living in a shelter, forced hospitalization, a nervous breakdown…
The system didn’t cause my daughter to have a mental illness. The system created the monster that lives under my roof (for now at least). The system has created a soul sucking experience that makes it almost impossible for families like mine to get their loved ones the help that they need. The system has ensured that she won’t get help until she hits rock bottom and is forced to come up for air or drown…I just hope she is still breathing when that happens.